The Colbert Report - Season 3 / Year 2007

Director of the Drug Policy Alliance Ethan Nadelmann argues to legalize marijuana to reduce America's prison population.

Jim Cramer tells Stephen how to get the most out of watching his show.

Stephen and David Kamp discuss the fancy-pantsification of American food.

Judy Woodruff talks about her new PBS documentary on Generation Next and grills Stephen on his tattoos.

Alex Kuczynski explains why we don't look better after spending $15 billion on plastic surgery.

Dinesh D'Souza believes saying that the cultural left is causing America's destruction would be going too far.

Stephen sells Richard Clarke's book with promises of robot sex.

Stephen finally gets to sit at the foot of the master, Papa Bear Bill O'Reilly.

Stephen demands to know why Tom Schaller thinks the Democrats don't need to bother with the South to win the 2008 election.

Michael Steele sits with Stephen to talk about that special Bush magic.

Stephen and Lou Dobbs agree that Congress should be accountable for America's problems.

Stephen proves to Mike Wallace that it doesn't take an hour to nail somebody.

Stephen asks Barry Lando if giving context to the situation in Iraq is the same as giving aid and comfort to our enemy.

Stephen asks Donna Shalala if cabinet meetings were interrupted to change Clinton's bong water.

Stephen asks Jed Babbin what can be done to shut the American people up.

Chuck Schumer talks to Stephen about his new book, his views on Iraq and Hillary Clinton. Then, Stephen accuses him of promising a bad economy.

Stephen's speaks with Teach for America founder Wendy Kopp and suggests that eliminating schools entirely is the best way to achieve equal educational opportunity.

Journalist Charlie LeDuff talks about "US Guys" and tells Stephen that the manliest men in America are in Oklahoma's gay rodeo.

Stephen tells Steven Pinker that he doesn't fear evolution because he doesn't believe in it.

Chris Hedges tells Stephen why the Christian right are America fascists and why his views of Christianity proves that he was home schooled.

Dr. Michael Oppenheimer says Stephen can help address the climate crisis with only minor sacrifices. Stephen says he's got the wrong guy.

Stephen asks journalist Sheryl WuDunn whether China is a friend, a foe, or a frenemy.

Stephen asks Lance Armstrong if "Livestrong" isn't a little weak compared to "Livestronger" or "Livestrongest."

Shashi Tharoor explains that the UN consists of more than a bunch of blue-helmeted refugee-huggers.

Stephen and author Zev Chafets get to the bottom of which of the two of them is the most Jewish.

Stephen asks Dr. Craig Venter to sequence Stephen's genetic code in exchange for the free advertising Venter's getting by being on the show.

Stephen walks anthropologist Nina Jablonski through his skin care regimen.

Larry King calls Stephen Colbert an egomaniac like it's a bad thing.

Mara Vanderslice and Stephen go head to head on which issues people of faith care about.

Stephen and Mark Frauenfelder shoot marshmallow guns at each other.

New Yorker reporter Michael Specter explains how Vladimir Putin's critics have been mysteriously dying.

Ted Koppel suggests that Stephen reconsider prancing around in front of the audience.

The New York Times columnist Nicolas Kristof complains that Americans aren't charitable enough, even though Stephen let him on his show.

Michael Eric Dyson explains the difference between racism and bigotry and assures Stephen that he's probably got a few black relatives.

Ed Viesturs agrees to plant a Colbert Report flag on top of Mount Everest the next time he goes.

Stephen asks Ayaan Hirsi Ali if fundamentalist Christians should battle fundamentalist Muslims.

Dr. Jerome Groopman discusses "How Doctors Think" and explains that Dr. Gregory House is based on Sherlock Holmes, who was addicted to cocaine, not heroine.

Stephen and Willie Nelson sample each other's ice creams for the first time. Willie enjoys Americone Dream and Stephen accepts an unspoken apology.

Benjamin Barber explains why consumer culture is bad for humanity and Stephen inquires as to whether he's a Subway or a Quiznos man.

Stephen wonders if Katie Couric would have an easier time delivering the news if she did it as a man.

Stephen draws a chart for John Perry Barlow explaining that you don't bite the hand that feeds you.

Though Stephen is excited for the imminent World War III, Madeleine Albright explains that Armageddon is not exactly a foreign policy.

Stephen suggests blaming the pilgrims for the origin of the "N" Word.

Clive James, author of "Cultural Amnesia," asks Stephen if he has to put some thought into appearing so thoughtless.

As Colin Beavan talks about his environmentally conscientious lifestyle, Stephen times him with a microwave.

Jeannette Walls, author of "The Glass Castle," finds out what happens when Stephen throws stones.

Vali Nasr discusses the difference between Sunnis and Shias -- though Stephen thought the major difference was whether they greeted us with flowers or candy.

Dr. Richard Land of the Southern Baptist Convention gives Stephen the scoop on Northern Baptists.

John Kerry hints that this may not be the first time he did not consider running for president.

Elaine Pagels tells Stephen about the gospel according to Judas.

Stephen can verify Paulina Porizkova as a supermodel because he is an arbiter of American taste.

Stephen asks Sean Penn if he snuck weapons of mass destruction out of Iraq in a bulky raincoat to embarrass the president.

Russell Simmons talks about Oprah, diamonds and the secret to success.

Dr. Andrew Weil tells Stephen that it's possible to channel his rage in a useful way and that he finds Dr. House to be too cynical.

Accountant David Walker warns of a 50 trillion dollar deficit and Stephen asks if his haircut can be a tax write off.

Stephen disagrees with new journalism because he believes people want entertaining journalism, not factual journalism.

Stephen tells Bill Bradley he doesn't mind the old American story or being addicted to oil.

Malcolm Gladwell explains that Colin Powell knew what would happen in Iraq because of his experience and Stephen claims knowledge is elitist.

Stephen asks Gina Kolata what the one food is he can eat that will make him lose weight and make sure he never dies.

Conn Iggulden tells Stephen why it's so important for boys to play dangerous games.

Richard Preston tells Stephen about people who have sex in hammocks in giant tress.

Nassim Nicholas Taleb's book, "The Black Swan," is about the power of randomness. Coincidentally, he was also the winner of Stephen's Pull a Guest Out of a Hat Sweepstakes.

Salman Rushdie comes out of hiding to tell Stephen about the importance of literary criticism.

Jann Wenner, founder of Rolling Stone, predicts that Foghat will be hot in 40 years.

William Langewiesche explains to Stephen why America shouldn't spend too much time worrying about other nations getting the nuclear bomb.

Walter Isaacson speaks to Stephen about Albert Einstein's rebellious childhood and how he used the Nobel Prize to get his wife to divorce him.

Stephen asks Howard Dean, hypothetically, which candidate would he support: Arack Bobama or Mallory Vinton?

Stephen asks Tom DeLay, author of "No Retreat, No Surrender," how to get rid of this country's Democrat infestation.

Jared Diamond explains how a conflagration of agriculture and resources helped Eurasians conquer the world.

Former center John Amaechi joins Stephen to discuss how hard it was to remember that he was the gay one in the NBA.

Author Bob Deans explains there were slaves in America before there were pilgrims.

Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales says that his staff is scrambling to protect Wikipedia from Stephen.

Bard College president Leon Botstein explains how educating prisoners is an effective way to reintroduce them to society.

Jessica Valenti has a hard time believing that the girls in the "Girls Gone Wild" videos are flashing their breasts for their own pleasure.

Carl Bernstein's new book "A Woman in Charge" is about Hillary Clinton. Stephen hopes it has a happy ending.

Cullen Murphy, author of "Are We Rome?," wonders if America is like the Roman Empire.

Dr. Michael Gershon's book has the subtitle, "Your gut has a mind of its own." Stephen couldn't agree more.

Blogger Josh Wolf served prison time for withholding videotapes of an anarchist protest from authorities, so Stephen is sending a copy of their interview straight to the Feds.

Ron Paul is a constitutionalist and claims Stephen is confused because he hasn't seen one in a while.

Moses and Socrates are just a couple of the famous people in history who have heard voices in their heads.

The outspoken country music artist speaks with Stephen about the Colbert Bump on iTunes and the mutual benefits of being friends with each other.

Anne-Marie Slaughter is the author of "The Idea That Is America" -- Chapter One: Stephen Colbert.

Will Schwalbe is the co-author of "Send," a book on e-mail etiquette. Where does he stand on lists of why cats are better than men?

Vincent Bugliosi, author of "Reclaiming History," says Oswald killed Kennedy. Spoiler alert: Stephen is going to mildly disagree with him.

Tom Hayden, author of "Ending the War in Iraq," was one of the Chicago Seven. He's about to meet all of the Colbert One.

David France tells Stephen about the science that further supports the theory that homosexuality is genetic, but must admit that not all the science has been scienced.

Professional tattle-tale Tom Blanton explains to Stephen why the Freedom of Information Act is so important and what freedom is all about.

Doug Bailey's Unity '08 party is trying to draft candidates by popular demand, including Michael Bloomberg, Tom Brokaw, and Stephen.

The Bohemian-Gay Index is part of a new series of statistics that indicates that gay people raise property values in a neighborhood -- not the San Francisco phone book.

Stephen is disappointed when Mark Moffett tells him that China has already found a way to make money off of ants.

John Mellencamp may be for peace, but he is no pacifist.

Frank Sulloway's research indicates that elder siblings have a greater chance of being the smarter sibling. As the youngest of 11, Stephen takes issue with that.

Simon Schama says the purpose of art is to unleash the floodgates of passion. Stephen says FEMA has to protect people from the flooding of his passion.

ACLU Director Anthony Romero, author of "In Defense of Our America," defends Stephen's right to burn his book.

When Charles Kaiser suggests that New York is a gay metropolis because of critical mass, Stephen understands that to mean it's like a dangerous nuclear bomb.

Democratic campaign strategist Bob Shrum wants to know if Stephen's wrist injury has made him reconsider his position on universal health care.

Chicago Tribune's Beijing Bureau Chief, Evan Osnos, argues that the American demand for cashmere has caused pollution clouds to travel from China to American soil.

Kathleen Kennedy Townsend explains how the Christian Right has shrunk God and made America not care about the common good.

Michael Beschloss explains why historians don't immediately judge history as soon as it happens.

The father of intelligent design, Michael Behe, joins Stephen to explain his role as the Albert Einstein of Charles Darwin.

Author and video game designer Ian Bogost explains how video games allow people to put themselves in other people's shoes.

Friend of the show Jim Cramer seemed a little on edge on CNBC last Friday.

Stephen commends Judd Apatow on casting a man no woman in her right mind would ever want to sleep with as a 40-year-old virgin.

Michael Jacobson stops by to seriously bum out Stephen about pepperoni pizza, Cheddar Combos and pretty much everything else that he loves to eat.

DNA freed Jerry Miller after 26 years in prison. Stephen presents him with a card.

Michael Wallis is the author of "The Lincoln Highway," which goes from San Francisco to Times Square. Stephen assumes it's for shuttling gay people to Broadway musicals.

Andrew Keen, author of "The Cult of the Amateur," believes the Internet has replaced professionals with amateurs. It's certainly true of porn.

Stephen asks Nathan Sawaya if becoming a LEGO artist was the best way he could think of to tell his parents to go to hell.

Dr. Michael Shermer, author of "Why Darwin Matters," says we're just as gullible as previous generations.

Richard Branson takes action after feeling that Stephen has not plugged Virgin America enough.

Thomas Ricks, author of "Fiasco," discusses the significance of Dick Cheney's 2002 speech, one that Stephen wishes he would make again.

Bjorn Lomborg says that global warming isn't as catastrophic as people say while Stephen says it's not a problem at all.

Stephen enlists Garrison Keillor's help for a folksy commercial for his own Formula 401.

New York City Schools Chancellor Joel Klein is willing to pay kids for good grades while Stephen is willing to pay kids to smoke and play video games.

Ed Begley Jr. became interested in environmental issues as a Boy Scout and maintained his interest only to gain more merit badges.

Susan Sarandon tells Stephen that her phone was bugged because Sean Penn was probably calling her.

Naomi Wolf says America is on the road to fascism. Stephen calls Head of Secret Police!

Jeffrey Toobin, author of "The Nine," takes Stephen inside the world of the Supreme Court and reveals whether they have secret handshakes.

Stephen asks Thomas Friedman what it feels like to be a guy who's passionate about UPS.

John Grisham is taking a break from writing about lawyers. Now he's writing about pizzas.

Tony Bennett feels that celebrities have an obligation to speak up against injustice.

David Schwartz shows Stephen historic political ads that influenced election results and serve as inspiration for current political ads.

Charlie Savage says President Bush is acting like a king -- sounds like someone didn't get dukedom!

John Mearsheimer believes that concern for Israel controls U.S. foreign policy; Stephen thought it was Dick Cheney.

Stephen asks Jim Lovell if there's anything cooler than going to the moon.

John Kao says countries like Finland are starting to innovate better than the United States. Stephen wants to know if it's time to invade Finland.

George Saunders says our national conversation is getting shrill and divisive. Stephen says people like him are evil.

Stephen Colbert welcomes living legend and author of "I Am America (And So Can You!)," Stephen Colbert.

General Wesley Clark joins Stephen to talk about the difficulties of leadership and how diplomacy is the way to go.

Artist Chris Jordan takes pictures of people's garbage to show all the things people consume and discard.

Congressman Dennis Kucinich accepts Stephen's challenge to come on the show and empty out his pockets.

Author Bob Drogin explains how poor information from a taxi driver named Curveball has led to the worst intelligence and foreign policy failure in America's history.

Garry Kasparov, author of "How Life Imitates Chess," may be able to outsmart a computer, but can he outsmart a man who owns a computer?

Stephen thanks Craig Newmark, founder of Craigslist, for destroying the American newspaper.

Rick Berman and Stephen discuss why smoking, drinking, eating and skydiving shouldn't be regulated.

Scientist Craig Venter stops by to talk about genome decoding, the imperfections of God and what gives Stephen gas.

Colonel Lawrence Wilkerson believes the upper strata of the Bush administration hijacked strategy in Iraq. Stephen asks who should have done so instead.

Walter Kirn thinks multi-tasking is dangerous. Stephen thinks it's as safe as juggling while driving.